The Complete History of Excalibur - Abridged
by Athena

Excalibur? Yeah, sure. I was one of the first to touch the sword y’know. First Lady’s perogative. Of course, Excalibur was a very pretty sword. Ancient runes sketched onto the blade, mounds of jewels mounted on the scabbard. The whole shebang.

The funny thing was, Excalibur was never meant to be a sword. It was supposed to be a frying pan. A few spells went awry and a blacksmith got a bit anvil happy and there you go, Excalibur was born. All in all it was a very sordid affair. We don’t like to go into to many details about it. It depresses the Virgin Maids of Avalon. So does bananas. Let’s not talk about that either.

Anyhoo, we were stuck. I mean, Avalon has no use for Magic Swords. It’s all very nice to have a Magic Sword and some consider it a badge of honor but what do you do? Shout out “Hey chaps, we’ve got a Magic Sword, and its Pointy!” What do Magic Swords really do? They just sit there, on your wall, all magickyfiedyness. So, it was certainly a lucky break for us when that Merlin chap came up and demanded a sword. We were glad to get it off our hands.

Merlin
Why do you want to know the story of Excalibur? You’re writing a book? For a contest-thingy? Pfah. I’ve never trusted writers. Nasty, clammy, squinty-eyed the lot of them.

Okay, okay. Fine. Yeesh, you don’t have to get all hostile. A man could catch his death of cold takin’ a bath. That’s not the sort o’ thing you oughta’ threaten someone with.

Excalibur, right. Yeah I got it off some queer folks on some floating island thingy. Pure accident. Looking for a pub and made a wrong turn somewhere and next thing I know I’m surrounded by these white-robed vestigial maiden folks. Never trust a vestigial-maiden, they’re bloody dangerous. I heard they’re real killers.

Well, I was slightly tipsy when I met them vestigial people. Don’t ‘member much after that but when I awoke I had Excalibur in my hands.

How did I know it was Excalibur? Oh it was obvious. I’m a wizard and we have intuition about them sorts of things. That, and there was a bloody great name tag saying “This Here Bee Exkalibure”.

It was a pretty sword, no doubt ‘bout that. And definitely magical. Highly magical. Swords with clusters of rubies and ethnic sorta runes aren’t for chopping up mundane ordinary sandwiches. ‘Course if they’re magical sandwiches then maybe…

Well, while I stood there examining the sword I suddenly heard hooves and horns and “tallyhos” echoing through the forest. There was some sort o’ hunting party heading right towards me and I doubt they would have taken kindly to finding me trespassing. I ducked under a branch and went to go hide when the damn sword got caught between a rock and some branches. I tried to pull it out but there was a mass of vines in the way and by that time I figured I should just hide from the nobles.

The nobles rounded the corner and came into view.

Then suddenly the Hand of God stretched down so that all cowered in His presence. When He spake bells rang out and he spake thusly, “So that Thee who pulled the Sword from the Stone would be proclaimed King and all would follow in his ways and that…”

Okay, not really. But it sounds pretty impressive when I say it that way. Actually the nobles got royally smashed and sat around taking the piss. Once they were all stinkingly royally drunk they each tried to pull the sword from the stone. However, none of them could walk straight let alone pull Excalibur from the ground.

Only one of them had any success. Small timid chap who had forgone the refreshments. Big ears, acne waging ground zero on his face, future king of all of Britain. I bet the Gods howled at that.

I recognized a good thing when I saw it and stepped from the bushes to proclaim him King. I figure my appearance equaled four cups of coffee and a strong bath. Sure sobered them up quick. They were so embarrassed to be caught with their pants down (I mean that metaphorically and literally) that they went along with anything I said. Including the part about Arthur being king.

Lancelot
Excalibur, Excalibur, Excalibur. Ohmigah, that’s all anyone ever talks about. Okay, so it’s a hot little item and it’s the sword that became the symbol of hope for all the oppressed people freed under Arthur’s rule – but no one cares about that.

There were a few battles with hot sweaty men wearing very little and lots of grunting and late night strategy discussion but that’s it. Oh, and then Arthur had his wedding with that stalker chick. I was obviously resplendent in my satin crimson tunic with the matching tights. My hair freshly laundered and curled. The delicious scent of lilac water perfuming my esteemed presence. My nails were freshly manicured and I … what? I’m just giving some background information. Coloring up an otherwise very dull event. Fine, get another interviewee. See if I care.

Guinevere
Arthur isn’t a bad husband. He’s very… steady. Like a rock. A rock with big ears. He’s okay, I guess. He gives me whatever I want and its not like I ever lack with money. You, like, get what I’m saying?

I guess the only real problem is that I don’t, like, ever see him. He’s always off fighting in those war-thingies. A girl has to have hobbies, y’know? For a while I tried flirting with the knight-people but I had to stop when I learned they were all gay.

Well, now I’ve taken up acting. I’m sooo good at it. It’s a very exciting career choice for me. I’ll sweep Broadway by storm. I’m also writing the story of my life. It’s called “Thee Story of My Lifee”. I’m so, like, original.

Um, okay, what do you mean you don’t care? This is me we’re talking about. That means its interesting. What do I care about Arthur’s swords. They’re sharp and pointy and silvery. I don’t care where Arthur put his things when he died. What part of ‘I don’t care’ do you not, like, understand? I suppose they were buried with him or something,

Peter Jackson
Funny you should mention it. Three days before shooting began we still lacked a sword for Aragorn. Some sword samples had been delayed due to an unfortunate accident involving some vestigial virgins and a crate of bananas. While we were waiting, one of the lighting crew members found a funny looking sword buried in the dirt. While we waited for the new swords to come in, Viggo just used the one we found. He liked it so much that he requested that he use that for the movie instead of the new ones.

So, we tore off some of the jewels, redesigned the hilt a little, and there you go. We used that sword in the film as Aragorn’s sword. Not that there’s anything really special about that sword. It’s just a sword.

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