Open Letter To
My Angel Dearest Kara Jayne, How do I begin? What can I say to you that could possibly make up for the years I've not been there for you? For almost two years I have felt my soul tremble in pain, not knowing where you are or what you look like now. All I have is my memories and photographs. It pains me so much to look at your pictures and see your beautiful blue eyes, so full of happiness, hope and awe.........so many things we experienced for the first time, I never imagined they would be the last for either of us. From the first moment I saw you, I cried, and I continue to cry now, wondering if you remember me, wondering if you're scared and need me to protect you, but I'm not there. It isn't your fault, and I never want you to believe it is.......you were only two years old when I last saw you, and you were an angel then, and I bet you are an angel now. As I type this, I have some baby photos of you on my computer screen......one of them is when I had just bathed you and was drying you off. You're lying there, mouth open and eyes wide, amazed and so, so happy. Before you were born I never really believed in unconditional love. I guess my soul was a little dark. But then you appeared, crying and wailing as the doctor handed you to me, a radiant beam of perpetual light, destroying and banishing any darkness in my life. Almost two weeks later, you came home, and I was so happy. I honestly never imagined anyone could be so happy, where nothing and no-one matters, except making sure my angel was safe and warm. Then it happened, and your mum said she was moving out, four weeks before your first Christmas. I understand why she felt we had no future together, in hindsight, the end was always near......but I still got to see you anytime I wanted....you stayed over almost every weekend. I can still remember all your firsts. First crawl, first steps, first words (da-da, of course). I can remember you hugging me for the first time and how I cried inside. I felt like the world was complete and it was only for me and you. I have a picture of you, which I will carry and treasure until I am no longer for this world. You had stayed over, and we had fallen asleep......I woke up and you were already awake, for how long I don't know. You had been watching me sleeping, and when I awoke, you beamed the greatest grin I have ever seen, so I had to capture it. I took a picture of you to preserve that moment forever. A few months after you moved out, your mum moved somewhere else, she never told me where, but I was still able to see you every weekend. Picking you up from the train station and dropping you there again. I can still picture your face every time we passed the Teddy Shop, your complete fascination and wonderment always made me smile. Taking you to McDonalds and sitting at the bar, laughing at you offering me a fry, and eating your chicken nuggets as you watched the world pass by. Christmas in the St Enoch Centre, watching as Santa sang to you and the woodland creatures and reindeer all wished you a happy time. Then it was your second birthday, and we had so much fun.....and then nothing. You were taken away from me, and I have heard nothing from you since..........and it hurts so much, that words, no matter how eloquent, could never do it justice. It hurts, not only that you are not in my life, but that I am not in yours. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but I hope one day to be able to show it to you, to show I'll never forget you and that you are always my heart and my soul.
|
